I'm not sorry.

I keep your picture on my wall.

I don't think I'm ready to move on. I mean I can make it through most of the day without thinking of him and then all the sudden it just comes over me like a wave. Jesse's crowding me & I can't handle it. Just leave me be. I keep thinking about all the stupid little things like the first time I hung out with Justin. In West Mall 7. We were messing around in the arcade waiting until there was a movie playing, and he was behind me and he put his arms around me. It was the greatest feeling in the world. I think about stuff like that a lot and I can't get it out of my head. Earlier today I was fine. And now, I'm a wreck. I can't see anything going very far with Jesse just because he reminds me so much of Justin...and they're connected. And I know nothing will ever happen with Justin. We won't ever get back together. Last night Justin texted me from Shanna's phone. This is our convo: 

him: how are you and Jesse =]
(I didn't respond)
him: how are you and Jesse its Justin I need to talk to you and its not about me and you lol just txt back

me: uh..okay

him: are you and jesse dating?

me: no, we just hung out

him: i see my plan worked then

me: k..

him: do you get what i mean? 

me: sure

him: stop being mad at me and do you really see my plan

me: ..not really

him: you were so in love with me and i liked you but wasn't as much as you liked me and jesse really likes you so i figured i could piss you off so much that you would hate me and see if you would give jesse a chance. 

me: great plan

him: did it work and wow  you can be a bitch lol

me: you sleep with me, tell me 'you love me with your whole heart', and then decide that your not really into me. You really thought that one through. I'm impressed. 

him: lol i got lust and love confused i am sorry for that but you can be nice or get over it cuz jesse is my friend and me and him chill a lot so if you date him you will see me again lol

me: sorry i just had to get that out of my system

him: its ok really if you will give me a chance you will see i can be a good friend. 

me: k..

him: i dont really care nvm peace out

me: all i said was 'k' you psycho

him: got ya

me: alright well im really tired so ttyl

him: bye lol
me: and Justin i wasn't mad but when you were texting me I was half asleep. 

I just don't think I'm quite ready to move on. I know it'd be the stupidest thing ever to go back to Justin, and thats not what I want to happen anyways. I just want him to want me, and for me to be able to say no for once. Instead of it always being the other way around. For him to get a taste of rejection. I don't know. I can be happy with Jesse for 5 minutes at a time. But I'm not ready to be so close to someone yet. Especially not someone who I always relate to Justin when I think about him. When I think of Jesse I think of being with Justin and Jesse's there. Then all these memories come along. I'm not going to lie. I can't quite handle that. I can't handle being in a relationship until I'm completely over Justin. Which I'm not. I don't feel like I got the right kind of closure... and I don't know how to get closure. I don't know what I need this time to feel like it's really over. Like last night I was perfectly okay with talking to Justin like that. Because I was mad. I really was. That was his plan? Well Jesus, why didn't he just ask me to rip my heart out and hand it to him so he could stomp on it. Why wait? ugh. I feel like I can leave, and then I take one step forward and all these thoughts evade my mind and push me 10 steps back. It hurts. It sucks. I wish I had someone here to help me realize why it's for the best. I know it is. I don't feel good. I feel like a trainwreck & I need to find a way to get Justin out of my life. It's like I almost want to use Jesse to be around Justin to see what he does. How he acts. If he's different. I don't know. It's all bad news. 

Yesterday was a bad day. I didn't talk to anyone really all day after I got home. I took a bunch of my prozac pills and got really shaky and past out. I woke up like 4 hours later and I got really sick. I was in the bathroom throwing up from like 2am-almost 5. It was great. . . and I haven't told anyone because I know I'll get yelled at. Whatev. I wanted to be gone for awhile... 
  

I like the mornings. After I get out of the shower I feel refreshed, and the past couple days I looked out and it was sunny. It made me think of my grandma. I miss her so much. Ughh. I wish it was Saturday so I could get the hell out of this place. I want to be somewhere new with people who don't know my name. I'm tired of everyday being the same. Everyday ends like this. It's 9:33...I could go to bed I guess... maybe that'd get him off my mind? I miss him. Well, no, I miss the memories. Because he changed and isn't who I thought he was. God. I just want to be happy. He came and messed with my head, a lot. And now I'm trying to get back everything I lost while I was blind and stupid. fml.

I can't write anymore. I'm drained. I'm empty. I'm gone.

I will be your one more time--if you'll be my one last chance

--you're right, actually. I am pretty- I'm...I'm pretty troubled and I'm....I'm pretty confused, and I'm afraid. Really, really afraid. Really afraid...

((the hardest part about growing is letting go of what you're used to...and moving on with something you're not.))

+the broken heart. my love for someone. anger towards my mother and father. my tangled emotions. the laughter of my sister. how good sunshine feels. my grandmothers last breath. my soul. things I can't ever photograph.

^I'm alone, on my own && that's all I know. I'll be strong & I'll be wrong, but I guess life goes on. Oh, I'm just another girl trying to find a place in this world.

--It doesn't matter whether it's day or night. I'm always tired. At night I stay up just late enough until I'm numb enough that I can fall into my bed and sleep. because honestly I can't stand to lie in my bed in the dark alone and awake with these thoughts for so many hours.

(if I love you. If I really love you. You'll know it. If you can wake up to me staring at you and it's not even mildly creepy, if you catch me smelling the shoulder of the hoodie I stole from you, if I make you a pancake in the shape of an odd character. If I call you drunk at 4am "to talk", if I laugh at your jokes when they're funny and make fun of you when they're not, if I always ask you if you're ok, if I tell you I wish I was closer to my sister and that my dad makes me sad. I love you, of course I love you.)

*He died in a tree from which he wouldn't come down. "Come down!" They cried to him. "Come down, come down!" Silence filled the night and night filled the silence, while they waited for her to speak. "I can't" she finally said, with a lonely voice. "Why?" they cried. Stars spilled across the black sky. "because then you'll stop asking for me."

..maybe I didn't hold you all those lonely lonely times. And I guess I never told you I'm so happy that you're mine. If I made you feel second best, I'm so sorry I was blind. You were always on my mind. You are always on my mind.

>I'm trying to sleep, but the voices in my head are too loud, and I'm remembering all these things that I've done. So I turn to my side and face the wall, and breathe slowly. Close my eyes, open them, close them once more. I see his face now, you know, the boy I told you about. Now, I know I won't be able to sleep. I suppose this is why most people are insomniacs; the voices won't go away, the memories keep coming back, and people haunt them in the darkness of my room. I turn the lights on. Sit on the edge of my bed and cry. Just a little bit, just to make it easier to breathe. I turn the lights off and try to sleep again; it's going to be a long night.

.When I was a little girl I used to read fairytales. In fairytales you meet prince charming and he's everything you ever wanted. In fairytales the bad guy is so easy to spot. He's always wearing a black cape so you know who he is. Then you grow up and realize that prince charming isn't as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy idn't wearing a black cape...but he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and a perfect smile....

Love isn't an act. It's a whole life. It's staying with her now becaus she needs you; it's knowing you and her will still care about each other when sex, daydreams, fights, and futures are all on the shelf and done with. Love--why. I'll tell you what love is. It' syou at 75 and her at 71. Each of you listening for the others step in the next room. Each afraid that a sudden silence. A sudden cry. Could mean a lifetime's talk is over.

--I was afraid to lose her & so I promised myself that I would always be sure she knew exactly how I felt about her. I didn't ever want her to second guess my heart or teh words that I shared with her. I needed her to know that I loved her and that I thought she was beautiful. I initially fell for her poetry and compassion and the way she laughed when she was scared. I fell for the pretty songs she'd write on the piano and the times when we knew what the other person was thinking about, despite any silence. I fell for her forgiveness & the passion she had for life. Even if I had never met her face to face. I'd still be sure of the way I feel for her.

Headache. Day one.

I knew...but it still hurts.

I'm an emotional roller coaster. I'm happy it's over. I'm un-happy he's gone. Even if I wouldn't of done it, he was going to. He wasn't happy, which made me un-happy. Our relationship was really going nowhere. I called my sister, and talked to her for awhile which made me feel better. Then I talked to my dad until like 2:30 in the morning. Today I feel a little better. I'm kind of hoping Jesse will talk to me. I'm determined to make him tell me the truth, because I know he made a lot of that stuff up. He keeps getting his stories mixed around.
I think breaking up over facebook is really dumb. I wanted to do it in person, but no, of course not. I'm just so confused. I mean Thursday he says he doesn't think it's going to work...then he calls me on my lunch and says he made a huge mistake and he loves me with his whole heart. Two days later.......he met someone else? Okay..? We just talked about all of this on Saturday. He said he wanted another chance. I told him what I expected. Obviously we don't want the same things. Maybe the next girl can handle a guy who only talks to you when it's convinient for him...or ignores you and changes in the blink of an eye. I can't handle that. He's not an honest person. And I really wish he never would of came into my life. I really do.
The more I think about everything that happened, the stupider I feel. I let him use me...basically. I made myself pretend that he really did love me. And he really did think I was pretty. And he really did like spending time with me. He said he wanted more. He said he's never satisfied. He told me I wasn't enough. and thats what kills me because Justin, sweetie, I already knew that. you didn't have to make it official. But thanks for the thought that maybe I wanted someone to tell me I'm right. I feel so ridiculous for how much time I wasted on him. and I feel ridiculous that I didn't open my eyes and see all this sooner. I saw it, but I blocked it out and ran away from it. Because I was scared and I didn't want to lose him.
Us breaking up was for the best though. Because I spent more time upset that he didn't talk to me, didn't want to talk to me, had no time to spend with me, and didn't ever try to spend time with me...in the beginning it was great. He was always happy to be around me. Held my hand every chance he got. Looked into my eyes and then smiled because he couldn't keep a straight face. I'll probably always miss that. But he's a player.  He's another Febreeze. And I don't need that. At least I have my sister, my dad, and Kelsey to talk to. I don't have any friends in school...but I have my family.
I really wish Kelsey could go with to MN. I really wish I could see her more. Good greif yesterday just sucked a lot. Kelsey left, Justin and I broke up, Travis hates me. Hmm. Life couldn't get better.

the world isn't ending...but the people who save me are all walking away.

Okay, now I'm not so tired & I can really write.
Me & Justin broke up...maybe for good, maybe not. I don't know. Right now I don't really want to think about it. I'm relieved and I'm sad. I think starting to add distance like I was over the past couple days was a really good idea...because its making this a little easier. What's meant to be will find a way. This is the way it's supposed to be. And I knew that this was going to happen. I expected it. Weird how I got the closure of "i love you". I think it's funny he said "I did love you though" really....did? How can you love someone and then not love them? Thats clearly not love. It made me kind of laugh. I hope he's happy with Chelsea. I hope she's everything he was looking for and more, and I hope she can handle with the way he treats people and all his crap. I wish them the best of luck, I really do. I, on the other hand, deserve better, and I can't handle being treated like that.
Yesterday I did go to the basketball game. I thought for sure McCook was going to beat us, because our girls aren't that good. I was kind of hoping they would win...I saw Taylor, and Chelsie, and Steph...when I saw Taylor it made me think back to when I lived in Salem and Kelsey, Taylor, and me were all best friends. TKB. wow. I miss the good old days. She's really pretty & she's a reeeaaallllyyy good ball player. I think they should of put her in more in the Varsity game, but hey, what do I know? I wanted to say hi to her, but I didn't know if she even liked me or anything. I emailed her to tell her she did good on her game. She did reply to my surprise. Maybe we can start talking again, and bring TKB back? A girl can hope right? I think Kelsey needs closer friends there. She's just like me, where she has all this on her mind and no one to talk to. It gets to be a lot trying to catch up with her all over again everytime we see each other. Although we have gotten a lot better about talking. We text more, and facebook, and blogspot, and talk on the phone. It's a lot better than it used to be. And I think we see each other more than we used to, too.
It's almost lunch...in like 45 minutes. Then the rest of the class periods will go by faster, I think. I hope. I pray. When I get home I have to fold clothes...and thats about it. I think I'll probably take a shower too, cause I didn't get to this morning. I look like crap. I hate that feeling. I don't know what all our plans are really when she gets here. I'm going to ask my grandpa if we can go to Dells to get some movies...and we can just chill at the house for tonight and stuff, cause we're going to Sioux Falls tomorrow. Who knows. We'll just do whatever. Yup. Yup. Yup.

I miss him. I'm trying to think about everything else. Anything else. and as soon as theirs an opening BAM! he's there. Again and again and again.

:-/

him: I don't think this is going to work. I would like to bre friends until I dont work as much.

me: I really couldn't agree more. I was waiting for you to say something.

him: so you are fine with breaking up?

me: yeah.

him: thats good i did love you tho

me: yeah i did too..i guess this is goodbye then..

him: ok bye

Friday, Friday

I'm so tired. I really didn't want to wake up today. I slept till 7:20, and I didn't do much with myself. I put my hair in a pony, and I didn't even put on make-up. Amazing, right? yeah...I know. I guess today is a 'I don't care day'. Most days are. But at least it's Friday! I'm sitting in English II right now, we're talking about the olympics? I don't think I've ever watched the olympics in my life...I've seen movies with something having to do with the olympics but I didn't really think they were that big of a deal. Wow.
I wish the day was closer to over. I do have a lot that I can do though. Next period I have to study for my FACS test. That test is going to be really hard...and then fourth period I have to finish my powerpoint. Then Biology I can work on my Wanted Poster, and I think we're doing a lab too...then it's lunch, which is blah. Then it's Geometry, and I think if we're not doing a lot then I'll study a little in that class too...otherwise I have to take notes because we're doing Trig, and I reallly really can't fall behind. I already have a low C in that class. Then I have my studyhall, and I don't know if she'll make me take my test then, or otherwise I can use that time to study too, then the test will be the next period.
Well I have to pay attention. Grades grades grades. Hmph.
I wish Kelsey was here already. The day needs to go faster. Thinking about her coming here is kinda making me jumpy. I hope my grandpa gives me a little freedom. I hate it when he says no only when my friends are around. I think it's dumb. I also hope it gets sunnier out. I hate this gloom.

I'm so proud of myself for being able to write a whole blog that didn't have him in it once. This is getting semi-easier....

hmph. let's try this again, shall we?

I'm starting over...I reached 100 posts in my last blog, and I was going through them, reading them and thinking about how much I've changed. And not necessarily in a good way. I read all that stuff about Justin, and it hit me that I just need to take a step back literally and get in touch with who I was, and the people I had in my life before. It's good I went through some of this to learn, but I can't do it anymore. It's too much to handle. I'm taking a break with Justin. I'm not going to tell him, but he'll understand sooner or later. Maybe that'll give him time to think too when I'm not there trying, and he sees what he's missing. If he doesn't, then okay.
I'm 16, I clean, cook, do laundry, raise my little sister, comfort my big sister, go to school, get good grades, take care of my dad...and I just can't handle a guy treating me like I'm not important or good enough. I'm not asking to be his top priority, but I'm not going to settle with being his last priority either. They say when you love someone, you have to let them go. And if they come back, it means SO much more. So thats what I'm going to do. I'm just going to let go. I told him I'd text him after school & I will. He doesn't respond? Big deal. Then I'll stay at home, and just go to the basketball game instead. I'm not going to put each day on hold in case he has time for me. Thanks, but that's alright. I think I'll pass.
I've lost a lot of my friends, maybe not completely but we're not as close as we used to be. I have 2 best friends that I'm not related to. Kelsey and I are doing fine. We're talking a lot more, and even sort of seeing each other more than we used to. I call her and I vent and tell her everything. She's who I go to for advice. She's just the one who's always there, to be honest. I trust her with everything and she's never really truly let me down and left me hanging. Tara and I aren't really fully talking yet, which is okay. We're moving slowly...she's the only friend I really have at school that I trust. I don't have any real friends at school. Just a few people that I talk to while sitting in class just because their next to me. No one I would hang out with outside of school like Tara. 
I get so upset with my family because I'm upset with my life. And it's not fair to them to have me take my anger and frustration out on them just because my boyfriend isn't talking to me or something stupid like that. My friends and family mean so much more to be than a boy. And I don't want to let that out of my sight again. Because when I have no one else I know I'll always have my friends and family. I know he's not going to be a part of my life someday, so I can't put too much of myself in this relationship. I'm starting to lose myself completely. I can't think of what I ever aspired to do anymore and I'm not happy. I'll admit to that. I am not happy at all. I think thats what I need to aim for right now. So I'm trying to focus on the more important things. I'm trying to reorganize my priorities, I'm trying to get more in touch with my friends..I'm trying. That's all I can do right now.

I think it's going to help a lot when Kelsey comes here. I haven't really had any quality time with anyone besides Justin and my sister and grandpa...I haven't had anyone I could fully be myself around. I think it'll be good for her too. Kind of like a break for both of us. We can talk, and hang out and just breathe for once. Nothing to worry about. I'm not even going to think about when she has to leave...because I'm not taking her for granted anymore. One day she might not be here anymore, and I'll be kicking myself for all the crap I put her through and all the times I took her for granted...because I already know she deserves a hell of a lot better friend than me. But I'm thankful she gives me the time of day, and I'm thankful I have her in my life. Even if she's gone I'll never ever forget about her. She'll always be my best friend. :) I'm going to be happy for her.