hmph. let's try this again, shall we?

I'm starting over...I reached 100 posts in my last blog, and I was going through them, reading them and thinking about how much I've changed. And not necessarily in a good way. I read all that stuff about Justin, and it hit me that I just need to take a step back literally and get in touch with who I was, and the people I had in my life before. It's good I went through some of this to learn, but I can't do it anymore. It's too much to handle. I'm taking a break with Justin. I'm not going to tell him, but he'll understand sooner or later. Maybe that'll give him time to think too when I'm not there trying, and he sees what he's missing. If he doesn't, then okay.
I'm 16, I clean, cook, do laundry, raise my little sister, comfort my big sister, go to school, get good grades, take care of my dad...and I just can't handle a guy treating me like I'm not important or good enough. I'm not asking to be his top priority, but I'm not going to settle with being his last priority either. They say when you love someone, you have to let them go. And if they come back, it means SO much more. So thats what I'm going to do. I'm just going to let go. I told him I'd text him after school & I will. He doesn't respond? Big deal. Then I'll stay at home, and just go to the basketball game instead. I'm not going to put each day on hold in case he has time for me. Thanks, but that's alright. I think I'll pass.
I've lost a lot of my friends, maybe not completely but we're not as close as we used to be. I have 2 best friends that I'm not related to. Kelsey and I are doing fine. We're talking a lot more, and even sort of seeing each other more than we used to. I call her and I vent and tell her everything. She's who I go to for advice. She's just the one who's always there, to be honest. I trust her with everything and she's never really truly let me down and left me hanging. Tara and I aren't really fully talking yet, which is okay. We're moving slowly...she's the only friend I really have at school that I trust. I don't have any real friends at school. Just a few people that I talk to while sitting in class just because their next to me. No one I would hang out with outside of school like Tara. 
I get so upset with my family because I'm upset with my life. And it's not fair to them to have me take my anger and frustration out on them just because my boyfriend isn't talking to me or something stupid like that. My friends and family mean so much more to be than a boy. And I don't want to let that out of my sight again. Because when I have no one else I know I'll always have my friends and family. I know he's not going to be a part of my life someday, so I can't put too much of myself in this relationship. I'm starting to lose myself completely. I can't think of what I ever aspired to do anymore and I'm not happy. I'll admit to that. I am not happy at all. I think thats what I need to aim for right now. So I'm trying to focus on the more important things. I'm trying to reorganize my priorities, I'm trying to get more in touch with my friends..I'm trying. That's all I can do right now.

I think it's going to help a lot when Kelsey comes here. I haven't really had any quality time with anyone besides Justin and my sister and grandpa...I haven't had anyone I could fully be myself around. I think it'll be good for her too. Kind of like a break for both of us. We can talk, and hang out and just breathe for once. Nothing to worry about. I'm not even going to think about when she has to leave...because I'm not taking her for granted anymore. One day she might not be here anymore, and I'll be kicking myself for all the crap I put her through and all the times I took her for granted...because I already know she deserves a hell of a lot better friend than me. But I'm thankful she gives me the time of day, and I'm thankful I have her in my life. Even if she's gone I'll never ever forget about her. She'll always be my best friend. :) I'm going to be happy for her.