I keep your picture on my wall.

I don't think I'm ready to move on. I mean I can make it through most of the day without thinking of him and then all the sudden it just comes over me like a wave. Jesse's crowding me & I can't handle it. Just leave me be. I keep thinking about all the stupid little things like the first time I hung out with Justin. In West Mall 7. We were messing around in the arcade waiting until there was a movie playing, and he was behind me and he put his arms around me. It was the greatest feeling in the world. I think about stuff like that a lot and I can't get it out of my head. Earlier today I was fine. And now, I'm a wreck. I can't see anything going very far with Jesse just because he reminds me so much of Justin...and they're connected. And I know nothing will ever happen with Justin. We won't ever get back together. Last night Justin texted me from Shanna's phone. This is our convo: 

him: how are you and Jesse =]
(I didn't respond)
him: how are you and Jesse its Justin I need to talk to you and its not about me and you lol just txt back

me: uh..okay

him: are you and jesse dating?

me: no, we just hung out

him: i see my plan worked then

me: k..

him: do you get what i mean? 

me: sure

him: stop being mad at me and do you really see my plan

me: ..not really

him: you were so in love with me and i liked you but wasn't as much as you liked me and jesse really likes you so i figured i could piss you off so much that you would hate me and see if you would give jesse a chance. 

me: great plan

him: did it work and wow  you can be a bitch lol

me: you sleep with me, tell me 'you love me with your whole heart', and then decide that your not really into me. You really thought that one through. I'm impressed. 

him: lol i got lust and love confused i am sorry for that but you can be nice or get over it cuz jesse is my friend and me and him chill a lot so if you date him you will see me again lol

me: sorry i just had to get that out of my system

him: its ok really if you will give me a chance you will see i can be a good friend. 

me: k..

him: i dont really care nvm peace out

me: all i said was 'k' you psycho

him: got ya

me: alright well im really tired so ttyl

him: bye lol
me: and Justin i wasn't mad but when you were texting me I was half asleep. 

I just don't think I'm quite ready to move on. I know it'd be the stupidest thing ever to go back to Justin, and thats not what I want to happen anyways. I just want him to want me, and for me to be able to say no for once. Instead of it always being the other way around. For him to get a taste of rejection. I don't know. I can be happy with Jesse for 5 minutes at a time. But I'm not ready to be so close to someone yet. Especially not someone who I always relate to Justin when I think about him. When I think of Jesse I think of being with Justin and Jesse's there. Then all these memories come along. I'm not going to lie. I can't quite handle that. I can't handle being in a relationship until I'm completely over Justin. Which I'm not. I don't feel like I got the right kind of closure... and I don't know how to get closure. I don't know what I need this time to feel like it's really over. Like last night I was perfectly okay with talking to Justin like that. Because I was mad. I really was. That was his plan? Well Jesus, why didn't he just ask me to rip my heart out and hand it to him so he could stomp on it. Why wait? ugh. I feel like I can leave, and then I take one step forward and all these thoughts evade my mind and push me 10 steps back. It hurts. It sucks. I wish I had someone here to help me realize why it's for the best. I know it is. I don't feel good. I feel like a trainwreck & I need to find a way to get Justin out of my life. It's like I almost want to use Jesse to be around Justin to see what he does. How he acts. If he's different. I don't know. It's all bad news. 

Yesterday was a bad day. I didn't talk to anyone really all day after I got home. I took a bunch of my prozac pills and got really shaky and past out. I woke up like 4 hours later and I got really sick. I was in the bathroom throwing up from like 2am-almost 5. It was great. . . and I haven't told anyone because I know I'll get yelled at. Whatev. I wanted to be gone for awhile... 
  

I like the mornings. After I get out of the shower I feel refreshed, and the past couple days I looked out and it was sunny. It made me think of my grandma. I miss her so much. Ughh. I wish it was Saturday so I could get the hell out of this place. I want to be somewhere new with people who don't know my name. I'm tired of everyday being the same. Everyday ends like this. It's 9:33...I could go to bed I guess... maybe that'd get him off my mind? I miss him. Well, no, I miss the memories. Because he changed and isn't who I thought he was. God. I just want to be happy. He came and messed with my head, a lot. And now I'm trying to get back everything I lost while I was blind and stupid. fml.