I'm in geometry right now... kinda bored. I wish the day was over already. God knows 8th period is going to feel like forever. UGHHH. I wish I could be there for Kelsey. It's so hard to do it all over text/facebook/phone/email. Best friends are supposed to be together I thought. Why would God take something so important away? I think maybe she's giving up on me. I don't know. My week felt pretty empty because I couldn't talk to her since I was grounded. I talked to her once, and thats all. At least I'm not grounded anymore.. well I should be paying attention, but I'm not. oh well. wbl.

I hate it when I want to write but can't.

Okay. Now I'm more in a writing mood. It's 8th period...and I don't know if we have an assignment or not. I don't really care. I'm tired of being in school. I have butterflies in my stomach, but I don't know what I'm excited for.
I talked to Tara a lot in S.H...we talked about Febreeze, and my orange journal. I let her read that...so now she knows just about everything about me. Actually I'm pretty sure she knows every major thing that's ever happened to me. It's nice to not have to hide anything...well there's one thing..but I don't know how to tell her. I feel like she'll be disappointed in me..which I wouldn't blame her. If she reads this anytime soon I know she'll probably text me and ask me about it. Then I guess that's when I'll tell her?
See now that I'm in a writing mood I have to close my computer. fml.

...

I wish I had it in me to believe him--but I don't.

I hate the way I feel. I hate it.

The thing about him: he made me feel like I could be noticed. And that I was worth it. And sometimes he made me feel invisible.

I felt all at once like I never wanted to be anywhere else, & like I wanted to throw up.


That was it. That was everything I knew and everything I didn't want to hear. It was every reason I stopped him even when I didn't want to.


I willed myself not to cry. He was busy. He was working. I started to count myself to sleep.
 
We come back to the same people to learn something about how we have changed. We want to be assured that we have changed.
 
I guess forgiveness, like happiness, isn't a final destination. You don't get there one day & get to stay.
 
I'll learn to let you leave, and I'll learn to be happy. Just not right now.
 
 
 

Dear today, get hyper. Go by fasttterrr.

I'm sitting in English II right now. We're doing this thing where each day we have to write something nice on a poster for someone, and today that someone is me. So this should be interesting... I don't ever really talk to anyone in my sophomore class. I don't hate them all but I just don't really talk to them. My best friend is a senior....sooo I don't have any reason to associate with these people they call my classmates.
Today kind of feels like a Friday. I reaaaallly wish it was. This week has seemed like it's just drug on and on. I'm tired of being in school. I get really anxious when it starts to get warm out and the sun is always shining, because I want to be outside. Not inside. Inside is stupid & boring. Especially in a school. It's supposed to rain & hopefully it'll melt majority of the snow. Then the grass will start getting green. And the trees will get leaves. I can't wait. So I know this is a really stretched thought. It's a stupid way of looking at it. But technically next year I'll be 18. Next year I'll be a senior. Welllll part of next year. Think about it. It makes sense. Where does all the time go?
I really hope we don't have to sing in choir. My throat is really scratchy. I hate choir. Next year, since Tara's going to be gone, I'm not going out for choir. What's the point?
It's only 3rd periooooooooddddddddd. Why is the day going so slowwww? I don't know why I'm even blogging. I have nothing important to say. I'm just babbling. I do that too much. This weekend is going to suck & I'm not really looking forward to it, but at the same time I am. I don't know. Okay. SoOoOo...I'll blog later.

for Tara.

Today is a half okay day. It's not bad...it's just kinda pointless. Like we're not doing anything in any of our classes. So far. It's only fourth period.
So I didn't really realize Tara read this blog, but she does. So that's good. Because then at least I know this is a way I can talk to her. I gave her some of my old journals. The orange one and the spiderman one. I don't even completely remember what I wrote in those. I know they have stuff about Febreeze and Dalton. That's about it...She gave me her journal that I noticed she's been writing in a lot. She basically told me not to take any of it to heart, but I can't help but wonder if when she says she didn't mean it and she was only mad that maybe thats when her true emotions show. I think she said a hundred times that she's moving on and we'll never be friends again and she can't trust me. Which I can't blame her for not trusting me. I kept all this Justin stuff from her. I tried so hard to keep everything having to do with Justin seperate from everything having to do with Tara. SO I guess right now I'm going to come clean and be honest.
Yesterday I had planned to go see 'the crazies' with Tara, but it's rated R, so I couldn't...so I was hanging out at home and my sister called me and needed me, so I went. Well she needed time to work stuff out with dipstick, so I was killing time in Sioux Falls. Justin's been texting me and he said 'hey whats up' and I said 'nm, killing time in sufu' and he's like 'oh well come see me' and i said 'i dont wanna bother you if you're working' and he's like 'I really wanna see you' and blah blah blah. SO I went. They were wiring a car. and I was just pretty much sitting there, watching. And Kyle's like 'you can come sit over here, the leather seats in the backseat are pretty comfy' so I did...and I was sitting right next to Justin holding onto my phone for dear life waiting for my sister to give me the o.k. to come...and Justin's like whispering and saying everything all at once next to me. saying he missed me. and he was sorry and everything. and i didn't say anything back... and he laughed and said 'i heart you' because thats what I always used to say just to break the silence. and I said that I can't handle the drama. I can't handle the constant wondering of if you're with other girls or not. and he said 'I tried to be with another girl. I tried to keep my player status. I can't. I missed you more than I can even define. I've never felt this way and it scares the h e l l out of me. i tried not to talk to u and I tried to let Jesse have u if thats what u wanted. but i cant do it. i cant.' I listened. I heard. and now all I can do is think about it.
I'm not back together with him...but I do miss him. I won't deny it. I know you don't like him Tara, and I know that you're only trying to prevent me from getting hurt...but regardless of the fact that all he intends to do is get in my pants I can't help the way I feel...I don't want you to be mad at me. But I don't want to hide it from you either. Because even if you can't trust me, and you feel that we won't ever be best friends again, you'll always be my best friend. And saying that, I have to tell you everything. Good, bad, and ugly. Hoping you won't hate me for it, or hold it against me. If I would of just told you everything before, I could of made this all a lot less complicated. The Justin deal isn't complicated. It's a matter of me deciding. yes, or no. So I'm weighing the outcomes. Thinking about the could have, would haves. I'm not rushing into it. I don't know. I really don't. I wish I could just pretend I feel nothing. I wish I could honestly say that I'm over him, and I can see right through him...but my hearts telling me I'm not done yet...so I know you'll comment on this. Let's try and not attack Becca. lol :) I'm writing this to tell you everything. I was going to tell you last night but then you're like he's a player, he's only in it for one thing, and all that...and I'm like, okay well maybe I should hold off. SO I'm just saying it on here. and hoping for a response from you. I know you'll be honest with me, and you know I'll make my own decision anyways. Thats the way our friendship has always worked. We both know that. But I'm doing this because I want to know what you think about it. I want to know how you feel. I'm asking for your opinions. Here's my side of it: (you cannot hold this against me)
I understand where you get the idea that he's only in it for one thing...but I really won't do anything I don't want to do. If I want to have sex with him, I will. Thats, that. So thats addressing the 'he's only in it for one thing' part. Next thing: he's a player. Yes I know. But every guy is a player in one way or another...and I think maybe if he says he can change and he's never had this feeling about someone before that he should get ONE try. Only one. and I hope you back me up on that... I know what you're thinking. He'll never change. He's another Febreeze...well I want to see for myself. It sounds stupid, and a waste of time. yes I agree...but I kinda want to make my own mistakes, you know? I won't get emotionally attached. To anyone. I'm already attached to you, and Kelsey. you guys are my best friends. You have the ability to hurt me. But Justin? no. I'm not attached. I could care less if I hang out with him or if he texts me--dating or not dating. That's the honest to God truth...because Tara you made me realize 10x more why friends are top priority. Friends & family will always come before any guy. I don't care if he's the most perfect guy in the world. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you're second best, because you're not. I have a lot to apologize for. And we have a lot to talk about. I hope this blog helps a little... I'm thinking about writing another one a little more organized. Cause I made a list of all the topics I need to talk to you about. lol. I'm weird, I know. You like it. :)

...i realized im in love with you while waiting for you to text me back...pathetic? yeah, you could say that..

-cold, sunless days
-people I don't know who glare
-waking up late
-abnormally skinny girls
-asian beetles
-whip creamless pumpkin pie
-not being able to find jeans that fit me
-when I'm having a conversation with someone and they suddenly stop texting back.
-not being able to control how I feel about someone
-forgetting something right when I want to write about it
-getting the bottom of my pants or shoes wet or dirty
-having a good hair day when I'm not going anywhere, then a bad hair day when I am.
-forgetting to do my homework
-people who talk too loud
-when my phone dies at the worst time
-being too tired to get ready for bed
-getting a text when I'm sleeping
-geometry & geography
-loud cars
-people who don't smile or wave back
-cigarettes.
-boredom
-bad smells
-leftovers
-making a mess
-not knowing what to say back to a completly random text
-anxiety
-seeing unhappy people
-not knowing what to wear
-being tired
-obnoxious people
-my disease of over-analyzing everyone & everything
-Jesse
-headaches
-being cold
-bad music
-blocked websites at school
-spanish
-tummy aches
-the way I feel about him

well thats all i really got right now.

Over-analyzing

Today is a good day. Today is Tara's 19th birthday. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with her today...but I want to do something fun. Although I'm broke. But I'm going to think of something. She seems like she's a little down today, but I'm trying to cheer her up. Yesterday, Jesse came to our play and then left and I guess they got into it over FB from what Jesse said. I really don't like him. He's really annoying. He keeps telling everyone we're 'together' and we're not. I don't like him in ANY way like that. Not even close. First off, he's my best friends ex...and thats totally uncool to do that to a friend. Second, he's not even slightly attractive. Third, he's annoying. Fourth I just got out of a relationship....I don't know how he isn't getting the hint. What do i have to do? Scream it in his face? A person would have to be pretty stupid to think that another person would choose a guy they barely know and already don't like over a friend. .. . tell me where this makes sense? 
Well I'm on talking-basis with Justin & it's kind of nice. Because I don't feel like I have to talk to him everyday & I don't care if I hang out with him. At least I found it in me for forgiveness & I'm able to move on. That's the way I look at it. Yesterday we talked almost all day. I joked around with him a lot. Like I kept calling him a player and I said "you're falling behind on your game, player" and I said stuff like that, just kidding around with him. He told me he missed me, and it kind of affected me at first, but I don't really think I even actually aknowledged that he said it. Like I know he said it, and I know what the words mean. But I didn't take it to heart. I'm trying not to get emotionally attached to anything or anyone. Things are better that way. 
Tomorrow I'm supposed to go and have supper with my mom & Miranda. And Saturday I'm going to my Grandma's house to swim and have supper. I invited Tara, and she's going to come with me too. It should be fun. I haven't been to my Grandma's house since around christmas time. I miss MN though. :( 
I can't honestly say I'm okay, but I'm doing fine. Yesterday was probably the best day I've ever had regardless of all the drama that happened between Jesse & Tara. I had a really good day. Today I'm trying to have as good of a day that I had yesterday. But it doesn't seem to be working out quite that way...it's actually going the opposite way. I don't have anything to do when I get home today. If I don't hang out with Tara, I'm going to be sitting at home doing nothing... which is lame. Maybe we could go see the "crazies" cause I know she really wanted to see that movie. I'm not suree. Right after school I have to go see if they have the recorded version of 'To Kill A Mockingbird" because I really haven't read that book at allll...and I'm always too tired to read and can't concentrate. So hopefully they have it. If they don't, then I'm doing more research on the internet.
I've kind of noticed Tara writes a lot in this notebook. I wonder what she writes about. I always wonder if she's mad at me because sometimes it's hard to tell. I know she has days where she's just really quiet and wants to be left alone. I have days like that too. I'm worried about her though. I really wish I could put her in a better mood. It's her birthday for God's sake. She should be happy. Ugh.
Today should just be over. At least the school portion of it..

Dear Justin

If I really did have the opportunity to give this to you. I would. It's not bad. I'll admit I miss you. I miss holding your hand, and kisses, and being around you. But I don't miss all the lonely nights I spent waiting for you to call or text me. I don't miss the distant feeling I always got from you. I don't miss constantly wondering if you were really with another girl. Friends. I've agreed to be friends with you, and it's working out just fine. No attachements. No more needing you...and thats good. Because I don't need you. I'm happy if you're happy. What went down before is the past. It's done & over with. I'm going to move on, as it takes time. But I can do it. You're not a bad person. You're just not the kind of guy I need to be involved with in my life. You're great to talk to, and you're funny when you're hyper. I really hope though that you're learning from each experience. I hope you find a great girl and treat her right...I do sometimes wish I could be that girl someday...but that feeling will pass. I hope we can always be friends. Because I'll never ever hate you. I'll hate some of the things you do, but never hate YOU. I guess thanks for the memories. There's a lot of good ones. and thanks for the laughs, and making me smile. I guess it took talking to you, and seeing some of the things I've seen with you to realize that it never would have worked out between us. You can't commit, and I can't play around. We're almost complete opposites. You didn't realize how much I over analyze, and how paranoid I was...and you didn't know that I'd catch on to what you're doing & question every move you made... that's just the kind of girl I am. I can read you Justin, and I saw right through you when you said 'I love you'. Be careful with those words. You could seriously damage someone someday...well, here's to the great nights we spent together, and the movies we didn't watch. I'll always miss you :)

I'm not sorry.

I keep your picture on my wall.

I don't think I'm ready to move on. I mean I can make it through most of the day without thinking of him and then all the sudden it just comes over me like a wave. Jesse's crowding me & I can't handle it. Just leave me be. I keep thinking about all the stupid little things like the first time I hung out with Justin. In West Mall 7. We were messing around in the arcade waiting until there was a movie playing, and he was behind me and he put his arms around me. It was the greatest feeling in the world. I think about stuff like that a lot and I can't get it out of my head. Earlier today I was fine. And now, I'm a wreck. I can't see anything going very far with Jesse just because he reminds me so much of Justin...and they're connected. And I know nothing will ever happen with Justin. We won't ever get back together. Last night Justin texted me from Shanna's phone. This is our convo: 

him: how are you and Jesse =]
(I didn't respond)
him: how are you and Jesse its Justin I need to talk to you and its not about me and you lol just txt back

me: uh..okay

him: are you and jesse dating?

me: no, we just hung out

him: i see my plan worked then

me: k..

him: do you get what i mean? 

me: sure

him: stop being mad at me and do you really see my plan

me: ..not really

him: you were so in love with me and i liked you but wasn't as much as you liked me and jesse really likes you so i figured i could piss you off so much that you would hate me and see if you would give jesse a chance. 

me: great plan

him: did it work and wow  you can be a bitch lol

me: you sleep with me, tell me 'you love me with your whole heart', and then decide that your not really into me. You really thought that one through. I'm impressed. 

him: lol i got lust and love confused i am sorry for that but you can be nice or get over it cuz jesse is my friend and me and him chill a lot so if you date him you will see me again lol

me: sorry i just had to get that out of my system

him: its ok really if you will give me a chance you will see i can be a good friend. 

me: k..

him: i dont really care nvm peace out

me: all i said was 'k' you psycho

him: got ya

me: alright well im really tired so ttyl

him: bye lol
me: and Justin i wasn't mad but when you were texting me I was half asleep. 

I just don't think I'm quite ready to move on. I know it'd be the stupidest thing ever to go back to Justin, and thats not what I want to happen anyways. I just want him to want me, and for me to be able to say no for once. Instead of it always being the other way around. For him to get a taste of rejection. I don't know. I can be happy with Jesse for 5 minutes at a time. But I'm not ready to be so close to someone yet. Especially not someone who I always relate to Justin when I think about him. When I think of Jesse I think of being with Justin and Jesse's there. Then all these memories come along. I'm not going to lie. I can't quite handle that. I can't handle being in a relationship until I'm completely over Justin. Which I'm not. I don't feel like I got the right kind of closure... and I don't know how to get closure. I don't know what I need this time to feel like it's really over. Like last night I was perfectly okay with talking to Justin like that. Because I was mad. I really was. That was his plan? Well Jesus, why didn't he just ask me to rip my heart out and hand it to him so he could stomp on it. Why wait? ugh. I feel like I can leave, and then I take one step forward and all these thoughts evade my mind and push me 10 steps back. It hurts. It sucks. I wish I had someone here to help me realize why it's for the best. I know it is. I don't feel good. I feel like a trainwreck & I need to find a way to get Justin out of my life. It's like I almost want to use Jesse to be around Justin to see what he does. How he acts. If he's different. I don't know. It's all bad news. 

Yesterday was a bad day. I didn't talk to anyone really all day after I got home. I took a bunch of my prozac pills and got really shaky and past out. I woke up like 4 hours later and I got really sick. I was in the bathroom throwing up from like 2am-almost 5. It was great. . . and I haven't told anyone because I know I'll get yelled at. Whatev. I wanted to be gone for awhile... 
  

I like the mornings. After I get out of the shower I feel refreshed, and the past couple days I looked out and it was sunny. It made me think of my grandma. I miss her so much. Ughh. I wish it was Saturday so I could get the hell out of this place. I want to be somewhere new with people who don't know my name. I'm tired of everyday being the same. Everyday ends like this. It's 9:33...I could go to bed I guess... maybe that'd get him off my mind? I miss him. Well, no, I miss the memories. Because he changed and isn't who I thought he was. God. I just want to be happy. He came and messed with my head, a lot. And now I'm trying to get back everything I lost while I was blind and stupid. fml.

I can't write anymore. I'm drained. I'm empty. I'm gone.

I will be your one more time--if you'll be my one last chance

--you're right, actually. I am pretty- I'm...I'm pretty troubled and I'm....I'm pretty confused, and I'm afraid. Really, really afraid. Really afraid...

((the hardest part about growing is letting go of what you're used to...and moving on with something you're not.))

+the broken heart. my love for someone. anger towards my mother and father. my tangled emotions. the laughter of my sister. how good sunshine feels. my grandmothers last breath. my soul. things I can't ever photograph.

^I'm alone, on my own && that's all I know. I'll be strong & I'll be wrong, but I guess life goes on. Oh, I'm just another girl trying to find a place in this world.

--It doesn't matter whether it's day or night. I'm always tired. At night I stay up just late enough until I'm numb enough that I can fall into my bed and sleep. because honestly I can't stand to lie in my bed in the dark alone and awake with these thoughts for so many hours.

(if I love you. If I really love you. You'll know it. If you can wake up to me staring at you and it's not even mildly creepy, if you catch me smelling the shoulder of the hoodie I stole from you, if I make you a pancake in the shape of an odd character. If I call you drunk at 4am "to talk", if I laugh at your jokes when they're funny and make fun of you when they're not, if I always ask you if you're ok, if I tell you I wish I was closer to my sister and that my dad makes me sad. I love you, of course I love you.)

*He died in a tree from which he wouldn't come down. "Come down!" They cried to him. "Come down, come down!" Silence filled the night and night filled the silence, while they waited for her to speak. "I can't" she finally said, with a lonely voice. "Why?" they cried. Stars spilled across the black sky. "because then you'll stop asking for me."

..maybe I didn't hold you all those lonely lonely times. And I guess I never told you I'm so happy that you're mine. If I made you feel second best, I'm so sorry I was blind. You were always on my mind. You are always on my mind.

>I'm trying to sleep, but the voices in my head are too loud, and I'm remembering all these things that I've done. So I turn to my side and face the wall, and breathe slowly. Close my eyes, open them, close them once more. I see his face now, you know, the boy I told you about. Now, I know I won't be able to sleep. I suppose this is why most people are insomniacs; the voices won't go away, the memories keep coming back, and people haunt them in the darkness of my room. I turn the lights on. Sit on the edge of my bed and cry. Just a little bit, just to make it easier to breathe. I turn the lights off and try to sleep again; it's going to be a long night.

.When I was a little girl I used to read fairytales. In fairytales you meet prince charming and he's everything you ever wanted. In fairytales the bad guy is so easy to spot. He's always wearing a black cape so you know who he is. Then you grow up and realize that prince charming isn't as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy idn't wearing a black cape...but he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and a perfect smile....

Love isn't an act. It's a whole life. It's staying with her now becaus she needs you; it's knowing you and her will still care about each other when sex, daydreams, fights, and futures are all on the shelf and done with. Love--why. I'll tell you what love is. It' syou at 75 and her at 71. Each of you listening for the others step in the next room. Each afraid that a sudden silence. A sudden cry. Could mean a lifetime's talk is over.

--I was afraid to lose her & so I promised myself that I would always be sure she knew exactly how I felt about her. I didn't ever want her to second guess my heart or teh words that I shared with her. I needed her to know that I loved her and that I thought she was beautiful. I initially fell for her poetry and compassion and the way she laughed when she was scared. I fell for the pretty songs she'd write on the piano and the times when we knew what the other person was thinking about, despite any silence. I fell for her forgiveness & the passion she had for life. Even if I had never met her face to face. I'd still be sure of the way I feel for her.

Headache. Day one.

I knew...but it still hurts.

I'm an emotional roller coaster. I'm happy it's over. I'm un-happy he's gone. Even if I wouldn't of done it, he was going to. He wasn't happy, which made me un-happy. Our relationship was really going nowhere. I called my sister, and talked to her for awhile which made me feel better. Then I talked to my dad until like 2:30 in the morning. Today I feel a little better. I'm kind of hoping Jesse will talk to me. I'm determined to make him tell me the truth, because I know he made a lot of that stuff up. He keeps getting his stories mixed around.
I think breaking up over facebook is really dumb. I wanted to do it in person, but no, of course not. I'm just so confused. I mean Thursday he says he doesn't think it's going to work...then he calls me on my lunch and says he made a huge mistake and he loves me with his whole heart. Two days later.......he met someone else? Okay..? We just talked about all of this on Saturday. He said he wanted another chance. I told him what I expected. Obviously we don't want the same things. Maybe the next girl can handle a guy who only talks to you when it's convinient for him...or ignores you and changes in the blink of an eye. I can't handle that. He's not an honest person. And I really wish he never would of came into my life. I really do.
The more I think about everything that happened, the stupider I feel. I let him use me...basically. I made myself pretend that he really did love me. And he really did think I was pretty. And he really did like spending time with me. He said he wanted more. He said he's never satisfied. He told me I wasn't enough. and thats what kills me because Justin, sweetie, I already knew that. you didn't have to make it official. But thanks for the thought that maybe I wanted someone to tell me I'm right. I feel so ridiculous for how much time I wasted on him. and I feel ridiculous that I didn't open my eyes and see all this sooner. I saw it, but I blocked it out and ran away from it. Because I was scared and I didn't want to lose him.
Us breaking up was for the best though. Because I spent more time upset that he didn't talk to me, didn't want to talk to me, had no time to spend with me, and didn't ever try to spend time with me...in the beginning it was great. He was always happy to be around me. Held my hand every chance he got. Looked into my eyes and then smiled because he couldn't keep a straight face. I'll probably always miss that. But he's a player.  He's another Febreeze. And I don't need that. At least I have my sister, my dad, and Kelsey to talk to. I don't have any friends in school...but I have my family.
I really wish Kelsey could go with to MN. I really wish I could see her more. Good greif yesterday just sucked a lot. Kelsey left, Justin and I broke up, Travis hates me. Hmm. Life couldn't get better.

the world isn't ending...but the people who save me are all walking away.

Okay, now I'm not so tired & I can really write.
Me & Justin broke up...maybe for good, maybe not. I don't know. Right now I don't really want to think about it. I'm relieved and I'm sad. I think starting to add distance like I was over the past couple days was a really good idea...because its making this a little easier. What's meant to be will find a way. This is the way it's supposed to be. And I knew that this was going to happen. I expected it. Weird how I got the closure of "i love you". I think it's funny he said "I did love you though" really....did? How can you love someone and then not love them? Thats clearly not love. It made me kind of laugh. I hope he's happy with Chelsea. I hope she's everything he was looking for and more, and I hope she can handle with the way he treats people and all his crap. I wish them the best of luck, I really do. I, on the other hand, deserve better, and I can't handle being treated like that.
Yesterday I did go to the basketball game. I thought for sure McCook was going to beat us, because our girls aren't that good. I was kind of hoping they would win...I saw Taylor, and Chelsie, and Steph...when I saw Taylor it made me think back to when I lived in Salem and Kelsey, Taylor, and me were all best friends. TKB. wow. I miss the good old days. She's really pretty & she's a reeeaaallllyyy good ball player. I think they should of put her in more in the Varsity game, but hey, what do I know? I wanted to say hi to her, but I didn't know if she even liked me or anything. I emailed her to tell her she did good on her game. She did reply to my surprise. Maybe we can start talking again, and bring TKB back? A girl can hope right? I think Kelsey needs closer friends there. She's just like me, where she has all this on her mind and no one to talk to. It gets to be a lot trying to catch up with her all over again everytime we see each other. Although we have gotten a lot better about talking. We text more, and facebook, and blogspot, and talk on the phone. It's a lot better than it used to be. And I think we see each other more than we used to, too.
It's almost lunch...in like 45 minutes. Then the rest of the class periods will go by faster, I think. I hope. I pray. When I get home I have to fold clothes...and thats about it. I think I'll probably take a shower too, cause I didn't get to this morning. I look like crap. I hate that feeling. I don't know what all our plans are really when she gets here. I'm going to ask my grandpa if we can go to Dells to get some movies...and we can just chill at the house for tonight and stuff, cause we're going to Sioux Falls tomorrow. Who knows. We'll just do whatever. Yup. Yup. Yup.

I miss him. I'm trying to think about everything else. Anything else. and as soon as theirs an opening BAM! he's there. Again and again and again.

:-/

him: I don't think this is going to work. I would like to bre friends until I dont work as much.

me: I really couldn't agree more. I was waiting for you to say something.

him: so you are fine with breaking up?

me: yeah.

him: thats good i did love you tho

me: yeah i did too..i guess this is goodbye then..

him: ok bye

Friday, Friday

I'm so tired. I really didn't want to wake up today. I slept till 7:20, and I didn't do much with myself. I put my hair in a pony, and I didn't even put on make-up. Amazing, right? yeah...I know. I guess today is a 'I don't care day'. Most days are. But at least it's Friday! I'm sitting in English II right now, we're talking about the olympics? I don't think I've ever watched the olympics in my life...I've seen movies with something having to do with the olympics but I didn't really think they were that big of a deal. Wow.
I wish the day was closer to over. I do have a lot that I can do though. Next period I have to study for my FACS test. That test is going to be really hard...and then fourth period I have to finish my powerpoint. Then Biology I can work on my Wanted Poster, and I think we're doing a lab too...then it's lunch, which is blah. Then it's Geometry, and I think if we're not doing a lot then I'll study a little in that class too...otherwise I have to take notes because we're doing Trig, and I reallly really can't fall behind. I already have a low C in that class. Then I have my studyhall, and I don't know if she'll make me take my test then, or otherwise I can use that time to study too, then the test will be the next period.
Well I have to pay attention. Grades grades grades. Hmph.
I wish Kelsey was here already. The day needs to go faster. Thinking about her coming here is kinda making me jumpy. I hope my grandpa gives me a little freedom. I hate it when he says no only when my friends are around. I think it's dumb. I also hope it gets sunnier out. I hate this gloom.

I'm so proud of myself for being able to write a whole blog that didn't have him in it once. This is getting semi-easier....

hmph. let's try this again, shall we?

I'm starting over...I reached 100 posts in my last blog, and I was going through them, reading them and thinking about how much I've changed. And not necessarily in a good way. I read all that stuff about Justin, and it hit me that I just need to take a step back literally and get in touch with who I was, and the people I had in my life before. It's good I went through some of this to learn, but I can't do it anymore. It's too much to handle. I'm taking a break with Justin. I'm not going to tell him, but he'll understand sooner or later. Maybe that'll give him time to think too when I'm not there trying, and he sees what he's missing. If he doesn't, then okay.
I'm 16, I clean, cook, do laundry, raise my little sister, comfort my big sister, go to school, get good grades, take care of my dad...and I just can't handle a guy treating me like I'm not important or good enough. I'm not asking to be his top priority, but I'm not going to settle with being his last priority either. They say when you love someone, you have to let them go. And if they come back, it means SO much more. So thats what I'm going to do. I'm just going to let go. I told him I'd text him after school & I will. He doesn't respond? Big deal. Then I'll stay at home, and just go to the basketball game instead. I'm not going to put each day on hold in case he has time for me. Thanks, but that's alright. I think I'll pass.
I've lost a lot of my friends, maybe not completely but we're not as close as we used to be. I have 2 best friends that I'm not related to. Kelsey and I are doing fine. We're talking a lot more, and even sort of seeing each other more than we used to. I call her and I vent and tell her everything. She's who I go to for advice. She's just the one who's always there, to be honest. I trust her with everything and she's never really truly let me down and left me hanging. Tara and I aren't really fully talking yet, which is okay. We're moving slowly...she's the only friend I really have at school that I trust. I don't have any real friends at school. Just a few people that I talk to while sitting in class just because their next to me. No one I would hang out with outside of school like Tara. 
I get so upset with my family because I'm upset with my life. And it's not fair to them to have me take my anger and frustration out on them just because my boyfriend isn't talking to me or something stupid like that. My friends and family mean so much more to be than a boy. And I don't want to let that out of my sight again. Because when I have no one else I know I'll always have my friends and family. I know he's not going to be a part of my life someday, so I can't put too much of myself in this relationship. I'm starting to lose myself completely. I can't think of what I ever aspired to do anymore and I'm not happy. I'll admit to that. I am not happy at all. I think thats what I need to aim for right now. So I'm trying to focus on the more important things. I'm trying to reorganize my priorities, I'm trying to get more in touch with my friends..I'm trying. That's all I can do right now.

I think it's going to help a lot when Kelsey comes here. I haven't really had any quality time with anyone besides Justin and my sister and grandpa...I haven't had anyone I could fully be myself around. I think it'll be good for her too. Kind of like a break for both of us. We can talk, and hang out and just breathe for once. Nothing to worry about. I'm not even going to think about when she has to leave...because I'm not taking her for granted anymore. One day she might not be here anymore, and I'll be kicking myself for all the crap I put her through and all the times I took her for granted...because I already know she deserves a hell of a lot better friend than me. But I'm thankful she gives me the time of day, and I'm thankful I have her in my life. Even if she's gone I'll never ever forget about her. She'll always be my best friend. :) I'm going to be happy for her.