Friday, March 5, 2010
I'm in geometry right now... kinda bored. I wish the day was over already. God knows 8th period is going to feel like forever. UGHHH. I wish I could be there for Kelsey. It's so hard to do it all over text/facebook/phone/email. Best friends are supposed to be together I thought. Why would God take something so important away? I think maybe she's giving up on me. I don't know. My week felt pretty empty because I couldn't talk to her since I was grounded. I talked to her once, and thats all. At least I'm not grounded anymore.. well I should be paying attention, but I'm not. oh well. wbl.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I hate it when I want to write but can't.
Okay. Now I'm more in a writing mood. It's 8th period...and I don't know if we have an assignment or not. I don't really care. I'm tired of being in school. I have butterflies in my stomach, but I don't know what I'm excited for.
I talked to Tara a lot in S.H...we talked about Febreeze, and my orange journal. I let her read that...so now she knows just about everything about me. Actually I'm pretty sure she knows every major thing that's ever happened to me. It's nice to not have to hide anything...well there's one thing..but I don't know how to tell her. I feel like she'll be disappointed in me..which I wouldn't blame her. If she reads this anytime soon I know she'll probably text me and ask me about it. Then I guess that's when I'll tell her?
See now that I'm in a writing mood I have to close my computer. fml.
I talked to Tara a lot in S.H...we talked about Febreeze, and my orange journal. I let her read that...so now she knows just about everything about me. Actually I'm pretty sure she knows every major thing that's ever happened to me. It's nice to not have to hide anything...well there's one thing..but I don't know how to tell her. I feel like she'll be disappointed in me..which I wouldn't blame her. If she reads this anytime soon I know she'll probably text me and ask me about it. Then I guess that's when I'll tell her?
See now that I'm in a writing mood I have to close my computer. fml.
...
I wish I had it in me to believe him--but I don't.
I hate the way I feel. I hate it.
The thing about him: he made me feel like I could be noticed. And that I was worth it. And sometimes he made me feel invisible.
I felt all at once like I never wanted to be anywhere else, & like I wanted to throw up.
That was it. That was everything I knew and everything I didn't want to hear. It was every reason I stopped him even when I didn't want to.
I willed myself not to cry. He was busy. He was working. I started to count myself to sleep.
We come back to the same people to learn something about how we have changed. We want to be assured that we have changed.
I guess forgiveness, like happiness, isn't a final destination. You don't get there one day & get to stay.
I'll learn to let you leave, and I'll learn to be happy. Just not right now.
I hate the way I feel. I hate it.
The thing about him: he made me feel like I could be noticed. And that I was worth it. And sometimes he made me feel invisible.
I felt all at once like I never wanted to be anywhere else, & like I wanted to throw up.
That was it. That was everything I knew and everything I didn't want to hear. It was every reason I stopped him even when I didn't want to.
I willed myself not to cry. He was busy. He was working. I started to count myself to sleep.
We come back to the same people to learn something about how we have changed. We want to be assured that we have changed.
I guess forgiveness, like happiness, isn't a final destination. You don't get there one day & get to stay.
I'll learn to let you leave, and I'll learn to be happy. Just not right now.
Dear today, get hyper. Go by fasttterrr.
I'm sitting in English II right now. We're doing this thing where each day we have to write something nice on a poster for someone, and today that someone is me. So this should be interesting... I don't ever really talk to anyone in my sophomore class. I don't hate them all but I just don't really talk to them. My best friend is a senior....sooo I don't have any reason to associate with these people they call my classmates.
Today kind of feels like a Friday. I reaaaallly wish it was. This week has seemed like it's just drug on and on. I'm tired of being in school. I get really anxious when it starts to get warm out and the sun is always shining, because I want to be outside. Not inside. Inside is stupid & boring. Especially in a school. It's supposed to rain & hopefully it'll melt majority of the snow. Then the grass will start getting green. And the trees will get leaves. I can't wait. So I know this is a really stretched thought. It's a stupid way of looking at it. But technically next year I'll be 18. Next year I'll be a senior. Welllll part of next year. Think about it. It makes sense. Where does all the time go?
I really hope we don't have to sing in choir. My throat is really scratchy. I hate choir. Next year, since Tara's going to be gone, I'm not going out for choir. What's the point?
It's only 3rd periooooooooddddddddd. Why is the day going so slowwww? I don't know why I'm even blogging. I have nothing important to say. I'm just babbling. I do that too much. This weekend is going to suck & I'm not really looking forward to it, but at the same time I am. I don't know. Okay. SoOoOo...I'll blog later.
Today kind of feels like a Friday. I reaaaallly wish it was. This week has seemed like it's just drug on and on. I'm tired of being in school. I get really anxious when it starts to get warm out and the sun is always shining, because I want to be outside. Not inside. Inside is stupid & boring. Especially in a school. It's supposed to rain & hopefully it'll melt majority of the snow. Then the grass will start getting green. And the trees will get leaves. I can't wait. So I know this is a really stretched thought. It's a stupid way of looking at it. But technically next year I'll be 18. Next year I'll be a senior. Welllll part of next year. Think about it. It makes sense. Where does all the time go?
I really hope we don't have to sing in choir. My throat is really scratchy. I hate choir. Next year, since Tara's going to be gone, I'm not going out for choir. What's the point?
It's only 3rd periooooooooddddddddd. Why is the day going so slowwww? I don't know why I'm even blogging. I have nothing important to say. I'm just babbling. I do that too much. This weekend is going to suck & I'm not really looking forward to it, but at the same time I am. I don't know. Okay. SoOoOo...I'll blog later.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
for Tara.
Today is a half okay day. It's not bad...it's just kinda pointless. Like we're not doing anything in any of our classes. So far. It's only fourth period.
So I didn't really realize Tara read this blog, but she does. So that's good. Because then at least I know this is a way I can talk to her. I gave her some of my old journals. The orange one and the spiderman one. I don't even completely remember what I wrote in those. I know they have stuff about Febreeze and Dalton. That's about it...She gave me her journal that I noticed she's been writing in a lot. She basically told me not to take any of it to heart, but I can't help but wonder if when she says she didn't mean it and she was only mad that maybe thats when her true emotions show. I think she said a hundred times that she's moving on and we'll never be friends again and she can't trust me. Which I can't blame her for not trusting me. I kept all this Justin stuff from her. I tried so hard to keep everything having to do with Justin seperate from everything having to do with Tara. SO I guess right now I'm going to come clean and be honest.
Yesterday I had planned to go see 'the crazies' with Tara, but it's rated R, so I couldn't...so I was hanging out at home and my sister called me and needed me, so I went. Well she needed time to work stuff out with dipstick, so I was killing time in Sioux Falls. Justin's been texting me and he said 'hey whats up' and I said 'nm, killing time in sufu' and he's like 'oh well come see me' and i said 'i dont wanna bother you if you're working' and he's like 'I really wanna see you' and blah blah blah. SO I went. They were wiring a car. and I was just pretty much sitting there, watching. And Kyle's like 'you can come sit over here, the leather seats in the backseat are pretty comfy' so I did...and I was sitting right next to Justin holding onto my phone for dear life waiting for my sister to give me the o.k. to come...and Justin's like whispering and saying everything all at once next to me. saying he missed me. and he was sorry and everything. and i didn't say anything back... and he laughed and said 'i heart you' because thats what I always used to say just to break the silence. and I said that I can't handle the drama. I can't handle the constant wondering of if you're with other girls or not. and he said 'I tried to be with another girl. I tried to keep my player status. I can't. I missed you more than I can even define. I've never felt this way and it scares the h e l l out of me. i tried not to talk to u and I tried to let Jesse have u if thats what u wanted. but i cant do it. i cant.' I listened. I heard. and now all I can do is think about it.
I'm not back together with him...but I do miss him. I won't deny it. I know you don't like him Tara, and I know that you're only trying to prevent me from getting hurt...but regardless of the fact that all he intends to do is get in my pants I can't help the way I feel...I don't want you to be mad at me. But I don't want to hide it from you either. Because even if you can't trust me, and you feel that we won't ever be best friends again, you'll always be my best friend. And saying that, I have to tell you everything. Good, bad, and ugly. Hoping you won't hate me for it, or hold it against me. If I would of just told you everything before, I could of made this all a lot less complicated. The Justin deal isn't complicated. It's a matter of me deciding. yes, or no. So I'm weighing the outcomes. Thinking about the could have, would haves. I'm not rushing into it. I don't know. I really don't. I wish I could just pretend I feel nothing. I wish I could honestly say that I'm over him, and I can see right through him...but my hearts telling me I'm not done yet...so I know you'll comment on this. Let's try and not attack Becca. lol :) I'm writing this to tell you everything. I was going to tell you last night but then you're like he's a player, he's only in it for one thing, and all that...and I'm like, okay well maybe I should hold off. SO I'm just saying it on here. and hoping for a response from you. I know you'll be honest with me, and you know I'll make my own decision anyways. Thats the way our friendship has always worked. We both know that. But I'm doing this because I want to know what you think about it. I want to know how you feel. I'm asking for your opinions. Here's my side of it: (you cannot hold this against me)
I understand where you get the idea that he's only in it for one thing...but I really won't do anything I don't want to do. If I want to have sex with him, I will. Thats, that. So thats addressing the 'he's only in it for one thing' part. Next thing: he's a player. Yes I know. But every guy is a player in one way or another...and I think maybe if he says he can change and he's never had this feeling about someone before that he should get ONE try. Only one. and I hope you back me up on that... I know what you're thinking. He'll never change. He's another Febreeze...well I want to see for myself. It sounds stupid, and a waste of time. yes I agree...but I kinda want to make my own mistakes, you know? I won't get emotionally attached. To anyone. I'm already attached to you, and Kelsey. you guys are my best friends. You have the ability to hurt me. But Justin? no. I'm not attached. I could care less if I hang out with him or if he texts me--dating or not dating. That's the honest to God truth...because Tara you made me realize 10x more why friends are top priority. Friends & family will always come before any guy. I don't care if he's the most perfect guy in the world. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you're second best, because you're not. I have a lot to apologize for. And we have a lot to talk about. I hope this blog helps a little... I'm thinking about writing another one a little more organized. Cause I made a list of all the topics I need to talk to you about. lol. I'm weird, I know. You like it. :)
So I didn't really realize Tara read this blog, but she does. So that's good. Because then at least I know this is a way I can talk to her. I gave her some of my old journals. The orange one and the spiderman one. I don't even completely remember what I wrote in those. I know they have stuff about Febreeze and Dalton. That's about it...She gave me her journal that I noticed she's been writing in a lot. She basically told me not to take any of it to heart, but I can't help but wonder if when she says she didn't mean it and she was only mad that maybe thats when her true emotions show. I think she said a hundred times that she's moving on and we'll never be friends again and she can't trust me. Which I can't blame her for not trusting me. I kept all this Justin stuff from her. I tried so hard to keep everything having to do with Justin seperate from everything having to do with Tara. SO I guess right now I'm going to come clean and be honest.
Yesterday I had planned to go see 'the crazies' with Tara, but it's rated R, so I couldn't...so I was hanging out at home and my sister called me and needed me, so I went. Well she needed time to work stuff out with dipstick, so I was killing time in Sioux Falls. Justin's been texting me and he said 'hey whats up' and I said 'nm, killing time in sufu' and he's like 'oh well come see me' and i said 'i dont wanna bother you if you're working' and he's like 'I really wanna see you' and blah blah blah. SO I went. They were wiring a car. and I was just pretty much sitting there, watching. And Kyle's like 'you can come sit over here, the leather seats in the backseat are pretty comfy' so I did...and I was sitting right next to Justin holding onto my phone for dear life waiting for my sister to give me the o.k. to come...and Justin's like whispering and saying everything all at once next to me. saying he missed me. and he was sorry and everything. and i didn't say anything back... and he laughed and said 'i heart you' because thats what I always used to say just to break the silence. and I said that I can't handle the drama. I can't handle the constant wondering of if you're with other girls or not. and he said 'I tried to be with another girl. I tried to keep my player status. I can't. I missed you more than I can even define. I've never felt this way and it scares the h e l l out of me. i tried not to talk to u and I tried to let Jesse have u if thats what u wanted. but i cant do it. i cant.' I listened. I heard. and now all I can do is think about it.
I'm not back together with him...but I do miss him. I won't deny it. I know you don't like him Tara, and I know that you're only trying to prevent me from getting hurt...but regardless of the fact that all he intends to do is get in my pants I can't help the way I feel...I don't want you to be mad at me. But I don't want to hide it from you either. Because even if you can't trust me, and you feel that we won't ever be best friends again, you'll always be my best friend. And saying that, I have to tell you everything. Good, bad, and ugly. Hoping you won't hate me for it, or hold it against me. If I would of just told you everything before, I could of made this all a lot less complicated. The Justin deal isn't complicated. It's a matter of me deciding. yes, or no. So I'm weighing the outcomes. Thinking about the could have, would haves. I'm not rushing into it. I don't know. I really don't. I wish I could just pretend I feel nothing. I wish I could honestly say that I'm over him, and I can see right through him...but my hearts telling me I'm not done yet...so I know you'll comment on this. Let's try and not attack Becca. lol :) I'm writing this to tell you everything. I was going to tell you last night but then you're like he's a player, he's only in it for one thing, and all that...and I'm like, okay well maybe I should hold off. SO I'm just saying it on here. and hoping for a response from you. I know you'll be honest with me, and you know I'll make my own decision anyways. Thats the way our friendship has always worked. We both know that. But I'm doing this because I want to know what you think about it. I want to know how you feel. I'm asking for your opinions. Here's my side of it: (you cannot hold this against me)
I understand where you get the idea that he's only in it for one thing...but I really won't do anything I don't want to do. If I want to have sex with him, I will. Thats, that. So thats addressing the 'he's only in it for one thing' part. Next thing: he's a player. Yes I know. But every guy is a player in one way or another...and I think maybe if he says he can change and he's never had this feeling about someone before that he should get ONE try. Only one. and I hope you back me up on that... I know what you're thinking. He'll never change. He's another Febreeze...well I want to see for myself. It sounds stupid, and a waste of time. yes I agree...but I kinda want to make my own mistakes, you know? I won't get emotionally attached. To anyone. I'm already attached to you, and Kelsey. you guys are my best friends. You have the ability to hurt me. But Justin? no. I'm not attached. I could care less if I hang out with him or if he texts me--dating or not dating. That's the honest to God truth...because Tara you made me realize 10x more why friends are top priority. Friends & family will always come before any guy. I don't care if he's the most perfect guy in the world. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you're second best, because you're not. I have a lot to apologize for. And we have a lot to talk about. I hope this blog helps a little... I'm thinking about writing another one a little more organized. Cause I made a list of all the topics I need to talk to you about. lol. I'm weird, I know. You like it. :)
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
...i realized im in love with you while waiting for you to text me back...pathetic? yeah, you could say that..
-cold, sunless days
-people I don't know who glare
-waking up late
-abnormally skinny girls
-asian beetles
-whip creamless pumpkin pie
-not being able to find jeans that fit me
-when I'm having a conversation with someone and they suddenly stop texting back.
-not being able to control how I feel about someone
-forgetting something right when I want to write about it
-getting the bottom of my pants or shoes wet or dirty
-having a good hair day when I'm not going anywhere, then a bad hair day when I am.
-forgetting to do my homework
-people who talk too loud
-when my phone dies at the worst time
-being too tired to get ready for bed
-getting a text when I'm sleeping
-geometry & geography
-loud cars
-people who don't smile or wave back
-cigarettes.
-boredom
-bad smells
-leftovers
-making a mess
-not knowing what to say back to a completly random text
-anxiety
-seeing unhappy people
-not knowing what to wear
-being tired
-obnoxious people
-my disease of over-analyzing everyone & everything
-Jesse
-headaches
-being cold
-bad music
-blocked websites at school
-spanish
-tummy aches
-the way I feel about him
well thats all i really got right now.
-people I don't know who glare
-waking up late
-abnormally skinny girls
-asian beetles
-whip creamless pumpkin pie
-not being able to find jeans that fit me
-when I'm having a conversation with someone and they suddenly stop texting back.
-not being able to control how I feel about someone
-forgetting something right when I want to write about it
-getting the bottom of my pants or shoes wet or dirty
-having a good hair day when I'm not going anywhere, then a bad hair day when I am.
-forgetting to do my homework
-people who talk too loud
-when my phone dies at the worst time
-being too tired to get ready for bed
-getting a text when I'm sleeping
-geometry & geography
-loud cars
-people who don't smile or wave back
-cigarettes.
-boredom
-bad smells
-leftovers
-making a mess
-not knowing what to say back to a completly random text
-anxiety
-seeing unhappy people
-not knowing what to wear
-being tired
-obnoxious people
-my disease of over-analyzing everyone & everything
-Jesse
-headaches
-being cold
-bad music
-blocked websites at school
-spanish
-tummy aches
-the way I feel about him
well thats all i really got right now.
Over-analyzing
Today is a good day. Today is Tara's 19th birthday. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with her today...but I want to do something fun. Although I'm broke. But I'm going to think of something. She seems like she's a little down today, but I'm trying to cheer her up. Yesterday, Jesse came to our play and then left and I guess they got into it over FB from what Jesse said. I really don't like him. He's really annoying. He keeps telling everyone we're 'together' and we're not. I don't like him in ANY way like that. Not even close. First off, he's my best friends ex...and thats totally uncool to do that to a friend. Second, he's not even slightly attractive. Third, he's annoying. Fourth I just got out of a relationship....I don't know how he isn't getting the hint. What do i have to do? Scream it in his face? A person would have to be pretty stupid to think that another person would choose a guy they barely know and already don't like over a friend. .. . tell me where this makes sense?
Well I'm on talking-basis with Justin & it's kind of nice. Because I don't feel like I have to talk to him everyday & I don't care if I hang out with him. At least I found it in me for forgiveness & I'm able to move on. That's the way I look at it. Yesterday we talked almost all day. I joked around with him a lot. Like I kept calling him a player and I said "you're falling behind on your game, player" and I said stuff like that, just kidding around with him. He told me he missed me, and it kind of affected me at first, but I don't really think I even actually aknowledged that he said it. Like I know he said it, and I know what the words mean. But I didn't take it to heart. I'm trying not to get emotionally attached to anything or anyone. Things are better that way.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to go and have supper with my mom & Miranda. And Saturday I'm going to my Grandma's house to swim and have supper. I invited Tara, and she's going to come with me too. It should be fun. I haven't been to my Grandma's house since around christmas time. I miss MN though. :(
I can't honestly say I'm okay, but I'm doing fine. Yesterday was probably the best day I've ever had regardless of all the drama that happened between Jesse & Tara. I had a really good day. Today I'm trying to have as good of a day that I had yesterday. But it doesn't seem to be working out quite that way...it's actually going the opposite way. I don't have anything to do when I get home today. If I don't hang out with Tara, I'm going to be sitting at home doing nothing... which is lame. Maybe we could go see the "crazies" cause I know she really wanted to see that movie. I'm not suree. Right after school I have to go see if they have the recorded version of 'To Kill A Mockingbird" because I really haven't read that book at allll...and I'm always too tired to read and can't concentrate. So hopefully they have it. If they don't, then I'm doing more research on the internet.
I've kind of noticed Tara writes a lot in this notebook. I wonder what she writes about. I always wonder if she's mad at me because sometimes it's hard to tell. I know she has days where she's just really quiet and wants to be left alone. I have days like that too. I'm worried about her though. I really wish I could put her in a better mood. It's her birthday for God's sake. She should be happy. Ugh.
Today should just be over. At least the school portion of it..
Well I'm on talking-basis with Justin & it's kind of nice. Because I don't feel like I have to talk to him everyday & I don't care if I hang out with him. At least I found it in me for forgiveness & I'm able to move on. That's the way I look at it. Yesterday we talked almost all day. I joked around with him a lot. Like I kept calling him a player and I said "you're falling behind on your game, player" and I said stuff like that, just kidding around with him. He told me he missed me, and it kind of affected me at first, but I don't really think I even actually aknowledged that he said it. Like I know he said it, and I know what the words mean. But I didn't take it to heart. I'm trying not to get emotionally attached to anything or anyone. Things are better that way.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to go and have supper with my mom & Miranda. And Saturday I'm going to my Grandma's house to swim and have supper. I invited Tara, and she's going to come with me too. It should be fun. I haven't been to my Grandma's house since around christmas time. I miss MN though. :(
I can't honestly say I'm okay, but I'm doing fine. Yesterday was probably the best day I've ever had regardless of all the drama that happened between Jesse & Tara. I had a really good day. Today I'm trying to have as good of a day that I had yesterday. But it doesn't seem to be working out quite that way...it's actually going the opposite way. I don't have anything to do when I get home today. If I don't hang out with Tara, I'm going to be sitting at home doing nothing... which is lame. Maybe we could go see the "crazies" cause I know she really wanted to see that movie. I'm not suree. Right after school I have to go see if they have the recorded version of 'To Kill A Mockingbird" because I really haven't read that book at allll...and I'm always too tired to read and can't concentrate. So hopefully they have it. If they don't, then I'm doing more research on the internet.
I've kind of noticed Tara writes a lot in this notebook. I wonder what she writes about. I always wonder if she's mad at me because sometimes it's hard to tell. I know she has days where she's just really quiet and wants to be left alone. I have days like that too. I'm worried about her though. I really wish I could put her in a better mood. It's her birthday for God's sake. She should be happy. Ugh.
Today should just be over. At least the school portion of it..
Monday, March 1, 2010
Dear Justin
If I really did have the opportunity to give this to you. I would. It's not bad. I'll admit I miss you. I miss holding your hand, and kisses, and being around you. But I don't miss all the lonely nights I spent waiting for you to call or text me. I don't miss the distant feeling I always got from you. I don't miss constantly wondering if you were really with another girl. Friends. I've agreed to be friends with you, and it's working out just fine. No attachements. No more needing you...and thats good. Because I don't need you. I'm happy if you're happy. What went down before is the past. It's done & over with. I'm going to move on, as it takes time. But I can do it. You're not a bad person. You're just not the kind of guy I need to be involved with in my life. You're great to talk to, and you're funny when you're hyper. I really hope though that you're learning from each experience. I hope you find a great girl and treat her right...I do sometimes wish I could be that girl someday...but that feeling will pass. I hope we can always be friends. Because I'll never ever hate you. I'll hate some of the things you do, but never hate YOU. I guess thanks for the memories. There's a lot of good ones. and thanks for the laughs, and making me smile. I guess it took talking to you, and seeing some of the things I've seen with you to realize that it never would have worked out between us. You can't commit, and I can't play around. We're almost complete opposites. You didn't realize how much I over analyze, and how paranoid I was...and you didn't know that I'd catch on to what you're doing & question every move you made... that's just the kind of girl I am. I can read you Justin, and I saw right through you when you said 'I love you'. Be careful with those words. You could seriously damage someone someday...well, here's to the great nights we spent together, and the movies we didn't watch. I'll always miss you :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)