for Tara.

Today is a half okay day. It's not bad...it's just kinda pointless. Like we're not doing anything in any of our classes. So far. It's only fourth period.
So I didn't really realize Tara read this blog, but she does. So that's good. Because then at least I know this is a way I can talk to her. I gave her some of my old journals. The orange one and the spiderman one. I don't even completely remember what I wrote in those. I know they have stuff about Febreeze and Dalton. That's about it...She gave me her journal that I noticed she's been writing in a lot. She basically told me not to take any of it to heart, but I can't help but wonder if when she says she didn't mean it and she was only mad that maybe thats when her true emotions show. I think she said a hundred times that she's moving on and we'll never be friends again and she can't trust me. Which I can't blame her for not trusting me. I kept all this Justin stuff from her. I tried so hard to keep everything having to do with Justin seperate from everything having to do with Tara. SO I guess right now I'm going to come clean and be honest.
Yesterday I had planned to go see 'the crazies' with Tara, but it's rated R, so I couldn't...so I was hanging out at home and my sister called me and needed me, so I went. Well she needed time to work stuff out with dipstick, so I was killing time in Sioux Falls. Justin's been texting me and he said 'hey whats up' and I said 'nm, killing time in sufu' and he's like 'oh well come see me' and i said 'i dont wanna bother you if you're working' and he's like 'I really wanna see you' and blah blah blah. SO I went. They were wiring a car. and I was just pretty much sitting there, watching. And Kyle's like 'you can come sit over here, the leather seats in the backseat are pretty comfy' so I did...and I was sitting right next to Justin holding onto my phone for dear life waiting for my sister to give me the o.k. to come...and Justin's like whispering and saying everything all at once next to me. saying he missed me. and he was sorry and everything. and i didn't say anything back... and he laughed and said 'i heart you' because thats what I always used to say just to break the silence. and I said that I can't handle the drama. I can't handle the constant wondering of if you're with other girls or not. and he said 'I tried to be with another girl. I tried to keep my player status. I can't. I missed you more than I can even define. I've never felt this way and it scares the h e l l out of me. i tried not to talk to u and I tried to let Jesse have u if thats what u wanted. but i cant do it. i cant.' I listened. I heard. and now all I can do is think about it.
I'm not back together with him...but I do miss him. I won't deny it. I know you don't like him Tara, and I know that you're only trying to prevent me from getting hurt...but regardless of the fact that all he intends to do is get in my pants I can't help the way I feel...I don't want you to be mad at me. But I don't want to hide it from you either. Because even if you can't trust me, and you feel that we won't ever be best friends again, you'll always be my best friend. And saying that, I have to tell you everything. Good, bad, and ugly. Hoping you won't hate me for it, or hold it against me. If I would of just told you everything before, I could of made this all a lot less complicated. The Justin deal isn't complicated. It's a matter of me deciding. yes, or no. So I'm weighing the outcomes. Thinking about the could have, would haves. I'm not rushing into it. I don't know. I really don't. I wish I could just pretend I feel nothing. I wish I could honestly say that I'm over him, and I can see right through him...but my hearts telling me I'm not done yet...so I know you'll comment on this. Let's try and not attack Becca. lol :) I'm writing this to tell you everything. I was going to tell you last night but then you're like he's a player, he's only in it for one thing, and all that...and I'm like, okay well maybe I should hold off. SO I'm just saying it on here. and hoping for a response from you. I know you'll be honest with me, and you know I'll make my own decision anyways. Thats the way our friendship has always worked. We both know that. But I'm doing this because I want to know what you think about it. I want to know how you feel. I'm asking for your opinions. Here's my side of it: (you cannot hold this against me)
I understand where you get the idea that he's only in it for one thing...but I really won't do anything I don't want to do. If I want to have sex with him, I will. Thats, that. So thats addressing the 'he's only in it for one thing' part. Next thing: he's a player. Yes I know. But every guy is a player in one way or another...and I think maybe if he says he can change and he's never had this feeling about someone before that he should get ONE try. Only one. and I hope you back me up on that... I know what you're thinking. He'll never change. He's another Febreeze...well I want to see for myself. It sounds stupid, and a waste of time. yes I agree...but I kinda want to make my own mistakes, you know? I won't get emotionally attached. To anyone. I'm already attached to you, and Kelsey. you guys are my best friends. You have the ability to hurt me. But Justin? no. I'm not attached. I could care less if I hang out with him or if he texts me--dating or not dating. That's the honest to God truth...because Tara you made me realize 10x more why friends are top priority. Friends & family will always come before any guy. I don't care if he's the most perfect guy in the world. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you're second best, because you're not. I have a lot to apologize for. And we have a lot to talk about. I hope this blog helps a little... I'm thinking about writing another one a little more organized. Cause I made a list of all the topics I need to talk to you about. lol. I'm weird, I know. You like it. :)